Why Ron Paul is Doomed and Everything is Futile: An Ode to LSD

Why Ron Paul is Doomed and Everything is Futile: An Ode to LSD. After a few weeks of peace and quiet, it appears once again that the Asses are getting serious about health care. Who could doubt this kind of language:

It is a serious issue that obviously confronts the Congress that has to be resolved in a way consistent with our opportunity to pass healthcare for all Americans[1]

Well. That is a serious sentence that obviously confronts the subject of that sentence in a way consistent with the opportunity for the speaker to speak the sentence in a way that all Americans can understand. Thanks for keeping us in the loop.

Yes, the media has been saying that all this health care business might finally get passed in coming weeks, through a special serious maneuver the Congress people have been brewing up. As House speaker Nancy Pelosi describes it: "...pass the bill so you can find out what's in it, away from the fog of controversy."[3]

Thank you Nancy. We're never going to know what we're doing until we finally get everything done--and doing it's the only way to do that. This is serious stuff, after all.

And we can't forget the final decider in this: the agent of Change, the chief himself, the man with 3 million followers. Barack Obama. Here's what he has to say about it:

How many people would like a proposal that holds insurance companies more accountable? How many people would like to give Americans the same insurance choices that members of Congress get? And how many would like a proposal that brings down costs for everyone? That’s our proposal.[4]

If only they had told us how perfect it would be from the very beginning! At least we know now--for if not now, when? If not us, who? There are so many questions, but luckily it seems like everybody in Washington finally knows what's going on.

Except, of course, the Republicans--pack of idiots they are! They couldn't even decide whether to boo or cheer the unequivocal winner of the CPAC straw poll: Ron Paul.

But really, can we blame them? Ron Paul, the man with 3 million ideas and only 3,000 followers. With so much controversy brewing in Congress all the time, what could he possibly accomplish in the white house? Brilliant though he is, Ron Paul doesn't agree with practically anybody in Congress about practically anything. That is not a good equation for Change. Too much fogging controversy.

And even that is assuming Ron Paul ever makes it to the presidency, which he won't. The young CPAC voters don't realize what the media can do to Republicans. Think Obama had it bad with his middle name? Ron's last name is a first name. He wouldn't make it a month.

Anyways, the Elephants will probably nominate the Queen of Russia, or whatever MSNBC claims Sarah Palin claims she is. But it doesn't matter. Won't Obama and the Asses fix all of our problems before then anyways, or is it just a giant ball of confusing politics and tangled self-interests? Will we ever have a government that can agree on something that can help us, or will we always be an afterthought to their grand plans to save the world? It makes you wish there weren't so much to worry about.

Of course, there's always LSD.

A list of great things that came out of the 60's

• The civil rights movement
• The Beatles
• Tie dye
• Space travel
• ATMs
• The computer mouse
• Twister, Operation, and air hockey
• LED lights and lasers
• Mustangs
• BASIC

Notes:

1. House Majority leader Steny Hoyer speaking on federal funding for abortions. Source: Christian Science Monitor[2]
2. Oh, snap. I forgot that quote wasn't from the New York Times. I guess it's not real.
3. Source: Peter Roff, U.S. News and World Report
4. Source: The New York Times (extra serious and real)