How to give a proper Turing Test

How to give a proper Turing TestIt recently occurred to me that I have not met all my online contacts in person. Although this kind of cyber-acquaintance has become increasingly common, to me it presents a conundrum: how do I know if one of my IM buddies is French? Also importantly, how do I know that I am conversing with a mortal, and not a mindless computer?

To address this second question, I introduce the concept of a Turing Test. Now, a true TT consists of three parties: the human interviewer, the control subject (a human), and the computer. The idea is that the interviewer must try and guess which subject is the computer and which is the human, after conversing with both of them.

For my more practical and less academic purposes, though, I decided to come up with a modified TT. The MTT consists of two parties: the interviewer (yours truly) and the subject, who may either be a human or a computer. The idea with the MTT is for the interviewer to make an educated guess as to whether the subject is man or machine.

After much research and development [1], I've formulated the following Modified Turing Test:

Question 1: Who's your daddy? Provide an example.

Question 2: Are you French?

Question 3: Explain human emotion and prove that you have it.

This test can be given via email, IM, or any other internet protocol. Typically, I feel it is only polite (assuming that your subject turns out to be human) to preface the test with a disclaimer like the following:

Since I have never met you in person, I am unsure if you are a human or a machine. Therefore, I will administer unto you a Turing Test which will allow me to decide.

Questions one and three should be self-explanatory. On question two, the normal human response is "God, no!" or something to that affect. Of course, French people will respond by saying something along the lines of "Oui, monsieur ou maddame. Je suis un Francophone."

If you have any questions, feel free to email me. I do not accept emails from robots, so I do ask that you include your answers to the above three questions in the subject line.

Notes:

1. Before I created this test, I had another method. It involved me flying to Miami to meet the subject in person. This worked out well, but I decided to devise the written test in order to be more cost- and fuel-efficient.