Bruised Asses

Bruised AssesIs it just me, or is our government becoming a reality TV show? Will all this Asses vs. Elephants drama ever be broadcast at 9/8 central on Wednesdays and hosted by Carson Daly? Will we ever limit voting to only attractive bisexuals? Could New York be New York's next governor? Any of this is possible and, as far as I'm concerned, permissible. U.S. politics has already lost any semblance it had to a serious attempt at governing a country, so we might as well get it on tape.

I am pondering this, Dear Lewsers, because the news this week has me so very confused. What exactly does Barack Obama's 2012 re-election bid have to do with the governor of Virginia? It obviously has something to do with him, because everything has something to do with everything else, if you think about it. The main question is, why is the Virginia gubernatorial race (and the New Jersey one) being covered as a story about Obama and the Asses?

Let me give you a taste of what I'm talking about. Here is the opening paragraph to The Week's main story, Democrats bruised at the polls (emphasis added):

Republicans rebounded sharply from their 2008 defeat this week, winning governors' seats in New Jersey and Virginia in an election marked by crosscurrents. Virginia Republican Bob McDonnell won 62 percent of independents in crushing Democrat Creigh Deeds, 59 percent to 41 percent. In New Jersey, Republican challenger Chris Christie ousted Democratic incumbent Jon Corzine, 48 percent to 45 percent. Exit polls in both states revealed that voters remain generally positive about President Obama personally, but have soured on the economy. The president, who invested substantial time and resources campaigning for Corzine, proved to have little influence there or in Virginia, despite his victory in those states one year ago. "Americans want our presidents to succeed," said Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, chairman of the Republican Governors Association. "But the president's policies are very unpopular, and they are hurting Democrats."

Unless you cannot see bold, you will notice that most of that paragraph is gossip about Obama instead of news about things that actually matter. The rest of the page-long article, of course, continues in a similar fashion. Now, there are two thingies that can be pointed out about this paragraph, and out I will point them.

The first thingie is that the media cares mostly about the people in the government, not the government itself. In particular, they seem to care about which people are winning the battles of the day, frivolous though those battles may be. They could be fighting about whether Republicans or Democrats have historically bigger dicks, and the news would cover it. [1] Now, maybe two gubernatorial elections isn't frivolous. But isn't it silly to spin the elections and make it about Obama's popularity instead of about what is going to happen (or what did happen) in those two states?

It is silly to us normal, thinking people. But to the Lewsers in the media, it's another reality brawl. The focus is who is ahead, and the who is never the citizens.

One of my favorite characters in this soap is The Independents. The media loves to stir up emotion by throwing out statistics about this infamous group, The Independents, the deciders of who is more popular. Of course, we know that the Conservatives and Liberals will vote for whoever is the zaniest and whackiest on their own side. But The Independents, ah! Those are the smart ones. Get 59 percent of the vote, and well, that is fine. But 62 percent of The Independent vote, now that is something to be proud of. This candidate must truly be a winner.

The truth is (and this brings me to the second thingie), this just proves that Independents don't know what the fuck they're talking about. If they voted based on some special platform or set of values, they'd already know which party they were in. Anybody who can define their political beliefs and prioritize them can decide whether they are an Ass or an Elephant or maybe a Libertarian or some other whacky thing. But Independents are none of these, which must mean they just wing it every election. They must be voting based on the glitz and the hype (part of which, usually, is them).

The sad thing is that all of this subjectivity is encouraged. It should not matter whether voters "approve" of Obama. They should be asked if they approve of his handling of Guantanamo Bay or Iraq or Afghanistan, or if they approve of his Supreme Court nominee or his nuclear proliferation efforts. Instead, the media pollsters ask you to be polarized. Is he good or is he bad? Should his side win? Decide if you like him or not and help us affect public opinion. It's like American Idol, except without even the reasoning voice of Simon to guide us.

Another sad thing is that the politicians eat it up, too. They are like actors in a film shoot. The Independents and the media give them their motivation, and they act out the scene. Remember when the Secretary of the Treasury fell to his knees and begged Nancy Pelosi to sign on to the stimulus plan? Or when that guy threw his shoe at G.W. and he dodged it like a champ? Remember the Beer Summit? Remember the town halls?

Of course you do. We all do, because they are stupid and unimportant. They are attached to important things, like the stimulus plan, relations with the Middle East, racial profiling, and health care, but they themselves are just drama. But unlike Real World vs. Road Rules where the winners get a cash prize and the losers go home empty handed, the losers in this drama are us. We lose because nobody is willing to seriously discuss government anymore, so we don't get any Change.

Now, Dear Lewsers, take this moment of clarity I am handing you and consider the futility of our republic. What does your vote count for? If the popularity pendulum is to swing forever from Ass to Elephant, why does a vote even matter? Won't both sides eventually get to do everything they want anyways? [2].

It's depressing, I know, and I leave you with more questions than answers. But it is not my style, Dearest of Dears, to end on such a sad note. So let me just say that I personally am reveling that the Asses got beat, or at least, as The Week put it, bruised. That is something that we can all be happy about. I gave up on government a while ago, and so from this comfy futon the whole election process is just an exercise in slapstick. And slapstick goes great with popcorn. Mhmm, I love it. Get some butter on there, some salt...

Notes:

1. Libertarians have huge dicks
2. And forget checks and balances. That shit is long dead.